we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Congratulations! We have a period
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