My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
