swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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