we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
NoShamevember. You game?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
