I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
