so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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