So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
