I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
