so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
