just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
