also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
