There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The struggles of a small town man whore
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
