u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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