sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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