Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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