Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
My pussy is not your playground.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Vodka?
Forever.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
