yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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