Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
