So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
