how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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