I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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