Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You took a bar mat shot.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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