your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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