Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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