had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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