She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
