well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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