one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's blow job season.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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