At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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