im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
