The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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