I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
