I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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