Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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