everyone is single if you try hard enough
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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