which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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