There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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