It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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