she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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