So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
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