Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
