I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
