Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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