My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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