why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
