when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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