The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
