If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
