All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
