Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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