he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You need a sexual gate keeper
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
