I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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