so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
