Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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