I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
