the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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