and you said cock pushups were impossible
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
