I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
